When I woke up this morning, I looked over at Chad who happened to be sleeping peacefully beside me.
(That, in and of itself, is a miracle for someone who suffers from insomnia as he does.)
I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful he was getting at least a little rest. My eyes fell down to his hand laying on his chest, and I remembered how a month or so ago I gave away my wedding ring.
When Chad started getting very sick again, he lost a very drastic, obvious 85lbs in a short amount of time. He looked close to death. His skin had this greenish tint to it, his bones became sharp and protruding, his muscles loosened themselves away from his body and were hanging on for dear life. His body was shutting down, he wasn't sleeping, he was having 20+ seizures a day, and his wedding ring kept falling off of his skinny, bony fingers. So I gave him mine.
It now sits tucked up closely on top of his, holding what his own body can't in place. And as I looked at it this morning, I was reminded of all the ways a wife can support her husband. A little 5'2" blonde can be a source of great strength for her 6'3" Superman.
But guys. I suck at it sometimes. I get frustrated at how long things take him. I get burnt out by all I'm trying to do on my own. I get sad over all the mornings and afternoons I spend alone, living my life as if I'm single because it's 3:26pm and my husband hasn't even gotten out of bed yet.
And I'm conflicted constantly with which role I'm supposed to play when. In some moments, God whispers to me,
"Don't be a Martha, Stace."
And He lovingly, full of mercy and grace, encourages me to pause and to rest and to trust Him.
But other times, His commands thunder through me:
"Work hard, be disciplined, push through! You got this! I will be your strength. "
And His words that I have hidden in my heart to not be a burden and to work hard with my hands (1st Thessalonians 4:11-12), to be disciplined even though it's not pleasant (Hebrews 12:11)... they motivate me to do the work of two people when I am only one, small, tired person.
But each day holds a lesson to be learned, and by God's grace, this trial will only grow me into more of the wife He made me to be.
And at least I get to keep my engagement ring.
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I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!