Memoirs of yet another hospital stay.

Living in the hospital for days/weeks straight is

aca-awful

(Pitch Perfect 3 trailer HERE for all my Fat Amy groupies).

SURVIVAL TIPS FOR THE FUTURE

1. Don't eat the food.

2. No, seriously. Don't.

3. When in a unit like the EMU, don't bother trying to get used to being on camera 24/7. It will never not be weird. You will never forget that you are being watched every second of the day while you laugh, cry, eat, sleep, etc.

4. If there happens to be a donut shop that you will be passing constantly, just go straight to it and get the most delicious donut possible. No sense in resisting ten thousand times as you walk the halls and try to pretend you can't smell freshly baked donuts. You'll eventually cave and get one.

Or six. And then you'll paint them.

5. Slippers or shoes on at all times.

6. If God forbid you ever have to take a shower in the public showers at the hospital, wrap plastic bags around your feet, use gloves, don't let your body touch anything, and pray that you don't get some infection or fungus.

7. Better yet, just don't take a shower at the hospital. You're better off going 4 years without a shower than taking one there.

8. If you drop your toothbrush on the bathroom floor, give yourself a moment for mourning and then set that thing on fire.

9. At this point, you'll probably want to go get yourself another donut.

10. If forced to sleep in a public waiting room:

-lock all valuables you don't need with you in a locker for the night

-wrap your shoes in a blanket or sweater and sit on them

-tuck your phone in your "hard to reach" areas for safe keeping while you sleep, and set on silent to avoid a near heart-attack when your phone rings and makes your chest feel like its exploding

-if the tv is on and the power button is disabled, you can still turn the tv off by climbing on a chair and unscrewing the plug in the back of the tv

-dance on the chairs when no one is looking

Proof or it didn't happen:

11. When going to the cafeteria for drinks or prepackaged snacks three times a day, always go to the same cashier. After a few days, they will think you work there and begin giving you the staff discount/things for free.

And lastly,

12. Thank the nurses every single day. They have incredibly hard jobs and rock at it, and that's just what I can see from where I sit. I'm sure its just the tip of the ice berg but they do it all with grace and compassion and effectiveness. Nurses are seriously incredible people!


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